Gaining Strength Through Struggles

One of my favorite Kaju AZ events each year is the Parent Appreciation Dinner. Having been a parent of two martial arts students, I know first-hand the efforts you each make to support not only your children but our Ohana as well. It’s always a great opportunity to mingle and get to know each other better, enjoy a great meal, share my love of pie-making and perhaps most importantly, express our philosophy about our kids programs.

This year we will be talking about how we can help our children face and overcome their challenges on their own.

Many of us as parents feel it is our duty to take away the pain and reduce the difficulty of the tasks for our kids. We want the best for our kids and somehow, over time, we have come to believe that the best includes the elimination of pain, sorrow and struggle.

Bruce Lee said “Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one."

We forget that in our own lives we have endured and overcome trials that have included pain, heartache and the requirement of much effort to overcome the situation. These periods in which we endured and overcame represent huge growth in our lives. Sometimes it seems we think that we can transfer our learning experiences to our children by talking about the experiences and preventing them from experiencing it for him or herself.

Don’t you remember the stove? I think most of us have the same story in our childhood. My mom told me not to touch it. That it was hot and I would get burned. So what did I do? I touched it. I got burned. And because of the experience that included pain, I never (willingly) touched it again.

When Sibak Nic was 10 1/2, he went to Scout Camp that I was a leader for. All of the Scouts were 12 or 13. For one of the merit badges, the scouts were told to get ready for a hike and take whatever they needed. Some kids took their packs, or a jacket, or other items. Some took nothing. Unbeknownst to the scouts, they were about to “get lost” and not make it back to the safety of camp. They had to make a shelter to sleep in that night. They were only given an orange and an egg to eat or not eat. No silverware, no matches, no normal luxuries of camping. It was an out of the ordinary experience. Some of the scouts struggled due to their lack of preparedness. It was a rough night. Amazingly, those same scouts to this day talk about that night and what an AWESOME experience it was. The struggle and the overcoming the struggle was the reward.

In general, I have an attitude that my sons SHOULD fall down and get back up again on their own. THAT’S LIFE. It’s going to happen! I hate seeing them struggle but know it is necessary.

But even with that attitude I know I could have done better with letting them struggle and even fail more. Their easily-achieved successes haven’t had the same impact as the ones they “suffered” through. Too often I think I arranged the situation so that a success was a guarantee with the intention of boosting their self-esteem. In doing so, I may have stolen the learning impact of the struggle and perhaps taken away true happiness that earned success affords.

When we make it too easy, the sense of accomplishment is diminished. It’s the attempt over and over again and then, finally, the win that teaches us some important principles, such as:

 
  Effort and practice makes us better

  Effort may eventually lead to victory

  We are NOT good at everything

  We can SOMETIMES become good at things we are not so good at

  Sometimes, we will fail. What do we do about it?

We want our kids to be successful. We want the best for them. The best way to achieve this is to give them the tools to earn that success and strive for the best on their own.

Our kids program, by my design, WILL be a challenge for the students. They will have to put forth the effort to succeed. Success is not automatic - and they will fall down a few times before the milestones are achieved. They might get knocked down and they might even get hurt. They will overcome the pain, and they will learn and grow. Their challenges will be physical, mental and spiritual: mind, body, spirit as one.

One thing I am certain of: when our Dragons or Juniors have achieved their goal, they will be proud of the accomplishment. They will understand what it takes to succeed. They will feel that true happiness in themselves that comes from reaping the rewards of their own effort. They will carry that forward into all areas of their lives and be better prepared for what life is preparing for them. I know it’s the right thing and I have enjoyed seeing it play out dozens, perhaps even hundreds, of times inside and outside the dojo.

Train Strong to Remain Strong!

 -Sigung Kelly